im only starting to get back on my feet myself, so i dont know if these musings will make any sense. and im too shy to tell them to you directly so here's hoping you'll read this and may help you in this path you're on right now. and whether you should get off this path or not

and forgive me if my thoughts arent organized...i think it's better for me to write unrehearsed and unplanned

i dont think anyone ends up being where they're really "supposed to be". i know we made grandiose plans of conquering our respective fields by the time we're 25. or having a decent husband and cute adorable children by the time we're 28.

okay, we're turning 28 next year and i dont think we're anywhere near those goals. does this mean we're failures? that we should knock our heads on the nearest wall for failing "the plan"? far from it, i think

the last three years were a sort of zombie state for me, where i didnt really know what i wanted to be, or i thought i wanted to be this but it turns out it's not mine to begin with. and then when i lost whatever it is that i thought i wanted, i spent the next few months moping and wondering why my life wasnt turning out the way i was expecting it to

so i could say ive been down your path, in a much different way, but still the same path

and this is what i've learned. dont expect things to turn out according to plan. it's not a saddening thought. i've learned to be flexible, to adjust to the myriad turns that life has been giving me. and to not push and push for something that doesnt want to give.

they say persistence pays off. i say, uhm, not always. if it's not working no matter how hard you try, then maybe it's time to try something else? yeah, there's an issue of commitment there (which at this point in my life im still having trouble really understanding) and i know that things are sometimes meant to be hard, but it shouldnt be that hard right?

and another thing i've learned here is that sometimes, you have to take some time off from doing something that you used to love but now is getting to be such a heavy burden. somwhere along the way, after you've stepped back, you'll find yourself going back to it and loving it once again. and if not, then move on

all of these ideas are not theoretical and hypothetical. cliche as it may sound, im speaking from something ive painfully and fully experienced. and im just getting out of this place, truth be told.

i never expected to be here at this point in my life. but somehow, i think this is much better. because it is a life that is not borne out of childish dreams and fantasies. but a life that has been through disappointments, aches and groans that were often left unsaid. and this is a life that is going to get through more of the same, but hopefully with a little more wisdom and happiness and love.

here's to more of the real life