you shall above all things be glad and young
   For if you're young,whatever life you wear


   it will become you;and if you are glad
   whatever's living will yourself become.
   Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
   i can entirely her only love


   whose any mystery makes every man's
   flesh put space on;and his mind take off time


   that you should ever think,may god forbid
   and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:
   for that way knowledge lies,the foetal grave
   called progress,and negation's dead undoom.


   I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
   than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance

- e.e cummings

sometimes i wish i didnt wear my heart on my sleeve
even to the most unobservant person, it's easy to see what i truly feel
and it's sometimes a big inconvenience to be so transparent when you're trying to hide feelings and emotions that should not be spoken of yet

but then i cant imagine repressing them
i feel an almost physical ache in my chest whenever i do so
so i show giddiness when im in that early stage of infatuation
i raise my eyebrows when im thinking "what the heck is he/she doing or saying?"
i scream when im frustrated or in the throes of pain
i tilt my head to the side and use my gentlest voice when im feeling malambing
i hug people when i miss them even though i saw them just a week ago
i pinch people when im in the gigil mode (whether good or bad gigil, that is the question)
i cry even at the slightest emotional tug to my heart
i sing my heart out when i want to, regardless of who's listening (or not listening)

but there are still some things that i have to keep in
for my own sake (and for others as well)

Stef, if your bag is a black hole, then mine is the mother of all black holes

I used to be able to carry these dainty little bags that can fit a coin purse, a small cellphone, a small pack of tissues, a comb and nothing else

Now i have 5 of those kinds of bags inside my real bag

My friends joke that I carry a refrigerator inside my humongous bags. Well, they may be almost right. Let's see what you can find inside my bag everyday:

 -         my violet diary (you never know when a brilliant thought might hit you)

 -         my Starbucks planner (which I almost never use but still feel the urge to put in my bag)

 -         my work notebook (which is 3 inches thick

 -         my kikay pouch bag (which has 3 little pouches inside to sub-divide all my stuff, namely, beauty products, medicinal products and sanitary/hygienic products)

 -         my “National Bookstore” pouch bag (which has a gazillion pens, markers, highlighters, post-its, a sharpener, an eraser and a pair of scissors)

 -         my “mommy” wallet

 -         my techie pouch bag (which has my Jurassic PDA aka ebook reader, chargers, USB cables and blank CDs)

 -         my token book/books (currently, Kazuo Ishiguro’s Never Let Me Go and Alex Garland’s Tesseract)

 -         my Starbucks commuter mug (even if I seldom go to Starbucks)

 -         my jacket (you never know when it’s gonna get chilly)

 -         my snacks pouch bag

 -         my sunglasses, reading glasses, keys, and fan

 -         oh, and occasionally, an umbrella

 
Okay, I admit I am a woman obsessed. I’m obsessed with ball pens, post-its, drawstring pouches, gadgets, coffee and I carry these little obsessions wherever I go. I keep promising myself that I will downsize, but I cant bring myself to. What if someone suddenly needs to charge their phone? Or I get stuck somewhere without a book, pen or paper? And if I suddenly have to overnight somewhere, what would I do without my kikay pouch?

So I guess I will still choose a huge bag over cute little girlie bags, even though I sometimes look ridiculous lugging around a backpack when I’m wearing a skirt, trudging along that enormous money-eater called SM Mall of Asia

A friend joked that this is a reflection of all the emotional baggage I still carry around. Riiiiiiight. Hah. But that’s a whole other post altogether.

So if one day you might need a USB cable to plug in your mp3 player, or a post-it to write a note to someone, or mouthwash to freshen your breath, just look for the small girl with a literal burden on her shoulders. I am not selfish with all that stuff I carry around. Okay, maybe with my toothbrush.

1. Grab the nearest book
2. Open book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post text of sentence on your blog. Please include book and author along with these instructions.
5. No digging about for the "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! (I know you were thinking about it!) Just pick up whatever is closest.

My book is "The Coma" by Alex Garland (author of The Beach and screenwriter of 28 Days Later)

page 123, 5th sentence

" So I climbed the stairs and forced myself to be unhurried, and as i climbed i noticed that the lightness and the sense of translucence remained."

This book is a really good buy, just like The Beach (if you didnt like the movie, just read the book). His words are simple and direct but evokesvivid imagery, as if you were looking at a stark but beautiful snapshoot from a movie. And the black and white illustrations are nice. I want to enlarge them and frame them on my wall

Next up is his other book, The Tesseract, which is actually set in the Philippines. So let's see if he captures the essence of our country from a foreigner's eyes

One of the hardest survey questions ive ever had to answer was: If you had to lose one of your senses, what would you choose to lose?



i wouldnt want to lose my eyesight because i would never see how sweetly my godaughter bianca smiles, or how wonderful the moon looks with clouds obscuring it slightly, or how the young people in fullcup look like with their hands raised in worship, or how my future mate would look like all tousled up in the morning

i wouldnt want to lose my sense of taste because i would never know the taste of Kimono Ken's Yaki Soba, or my mom's sinigang, or McDonald's double cheeseburger, or Ate Mayette's polvoron

i wouldnt want to lose my sense of smell because how else would i know that the food im cooking is burning or what newly fresh grass smells like or get high when i go to gasoline stations or cringe at the smell of cigarette smoke on my shirt

i wouldnt want to lose my sense of touch because i would never be able to run my hands through his hair or touch the leaves of a new book for the first time or hold a baby's cheeks between my two hands or feel the  sand coarse through my fingers

i wouldnt want to lose my hearing because i would never be able to hear a single note ever again or my brother's laughter or the tinkling of bamboo chimes or even the sound of jeepneys which i usually find so annoying

so i go to bed every night praying that God wouldnt take any of those things away from me. and God would always ask me, "Would You still praise me if I did take away one, two, or all of them?"

I would love to say that my answer would be a whole-hearted "Yes!"

But if im true to myself, I would have to admit that there's still a part of me that would probably think twice about it. Or curse. Or turn away from Him

And I would never be satisfied until I can truly and honestly and wholeheartedly say that I would praise You even if my brain is the only part of my body that is working properly

a lot of my most meaningful and/or earth-shattering conversations with my Father have been on public vehicles, in full view of other passengers. my theory is that because there, I have no choice but to listen because I am stuck and have nowhere to go

there was that time after my final conversation with a certain someone . i didnt cry in front of him for pride's sake. but the moment i stepped onto the jeepney, i felt my tears and heart overflow. not caring about whether the other passengers would think im crazy, i cried my heart out to God and kept asking over and over why it had to happen that way. i didnt hear any answers, but i felt a soothing hand on my back and comfort beyond words. and even though my heart was broken and bleeding, i was being reassured that pretty soon, the pieces would mend and i would be singing and smiling again. and true enough, resiliency rears its beautiful head

then there was that time when i celebrated my birthday on a bus to Laguna. I just finished an event for a client at 1130PM on the eve of my birthday. and of course by the time the clock struck 12, i was still on that bus, waxing sentimental on the 24 (or was it 23?) years of my life. and then He whispers to me "I think you've forgotten me". It dawned on me that I had been so busy trying to get somwhere that I've lost passion for my first love, the love that would never forsake nor condemn. On a dingy bus on the south luzon expressway, I recommited my life to Him

then there was that time on an fx ride to intramuros when i was dealing with unforgiveness. He made me realize that He died not just for me but even for the people who break other people's hearts. And after going down that fx, I immediately called someone up and said three simple words to him, "I forgive you". And that moment was a turning point in my battle

it was also on a bus from laguna to intramuros, when i was at a point when i was messing up left and right when i received the reassurance that no matter how many times i keep bungling work and relationships and my internal struggles, grace is always there for the taking

my point is, you dont have to be in church or at a youth camp or in the middle of worship to have life changing and momentous encounters with God. you can be in a coffeshop, in the bathroom, in the middle of doing something disastrous, on a tricycle and He can still reach you, if you just shut out the white noise and listen intently to that still, small voice

so maybe im gonna take that unplanned bus ride to somwhere ive never been. and if you happen to sit beside me, dont laugh when i suddenly burst into tears. it's just me and my God talking

====================================================

if one day, the two of you do end up together...know that i was one of your earliest matchmakers...

to people who make signages in stores and such:

the correct way to say that "sarado na ang store niyo" is

STORE IS CLOSED

not "store is close"

because yes, i know that i am close to your store because i can actually read the sign, but i dont think that's what you mean right?

i am so tempted to vandalize when i see that...

dont grow up to be an old fart who will look down on other people just because they're young or new or lesser than you (in your own opinion). and remember that please, thank you and a smile will get things done more effectively rather than a snotty attitude and a raised eyebrow

you cannot please everyone, get that into your head. just laugh at people who formed an opinion of you that is so far from who you really are. who knows, they might wake up and be pleasantly surprised someday

tell someone or put it into your will that you want to be buried in that purple coffin you saw at a funeral house earlier this night. or a really cool jar if you decide to be cremated

stop promising yourself you're actually going to the gym today and then making up excuses on why you werent able to go

tread carefully on the path where your heart is seemingly leading you. more often than not, that path ends up in tears and self-recrimination. so think long and hard before you even think about taking the first step

stop dreaming about the things you're gonna buy on the next payday. pay BPI first. they've been knocking on your door the past year. dont wait for the day when they have to drag you out and put you in jail

try to sneak away from the office every once in a while (like what you did with all your previous jobs) and go to some obscure coffee shop and write or read or stare at people and make up stories in your head. and hope that the boss-es don't read this

pour your heart out to him. it's been a while since you've done that and he longs for you to do so. and you should long for him too in a way that will supercede all other longings

try to sleep early when you can. late nights arent good for your mental health and your skin. plus, there's the offchance that you still might gain a little more height. a half inch wouldnt hurt

"I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone"
- Hate Me by Blue October

Whenever my life is getting better and I actually get up with a smile on my face and without that annoying dread in my heart, these thoughts start creeping in and without me realizing it, they're now imbedded in my head

I've never really minded being alone. In fact, I relish the freedom of not having to be accountable in a romantic sense to anyone. I can do whatever I want without thinking about wether he would want to do it too.

But there are days when you want to tell someone about your day without said person pretending to be interested but actually want to listen to you.

And there are times when you're raring for a fight but you know that if you pick a random and senseless fight with your roomate, it would make for an uncomfortable situation and if you had someone "special" to fight with, it would end in tears and a hug.

And there are days when you want to read a book in a coffee shop with someone sitting across you who's reading a book too and then you can put down the book every once in a while and blurt out whatever is on your mind and he can just stare, make a comment, and then go back to reading your respective books

And there are days when your heart is just bursting with emotions that you yourself cannot understand and you need someone who will not try to solve whatever your problem is but just do a reality check, give a hug, or whatever it is that you need at that time (and magically, he will know what it is you need)

And there are days when you want someone to look at you like you're the prettiest girl on the planet even when you look like crap or your pants dont fit you anymore or you constantly trip or fall

So yes, this Monday morning, while I am working on the 22th floor of an expensive high-rise in Makati and gazing at the Makati skyline, I am desperately wishing for things that are better left unwished for

Yes, it's that kind of morning