a lot of my most meaningful and/or earth-shattering conversations with my Father have been on public vehicles, in full view of other passengers. my theory is that because there, I have no choice but to listen because I am stuck and have nowhere to go

there was that time after my final conversation with a certain someone . i didnt cry in front of him for pride's sake. but the moment i stepped onto the jeepney, i felt my tears and heart overflow. not caring about whether the other passengers would think im crazy, i cried my heart out to God and kept asking over and over why it had to happen that way. i didnt hear any answers, but i felt a soothing hand on my back and comfort beyond words. and even though my heart was broken and bleeding, i was being reassured that pretty soon, the pieces would mend and i would be singing and smiling again. and true enough, resiliency rears its beautiful head

then there was that time when i celebrated my birthday on a bus to Laguna. I just finished an event for a client at 1130PM on the eve of my birthday. and of course by the time the clock struck 12, i was still on that bus, waxing sentimental on the 24 (or was it 23?) years of my life. and then He whispers to me "I think you've forgotten me". It dawned on me that I had been so busy trying to get somwhere that I've lost passion for my first love, the love that would never forsake nor condemn. On a dingy bus on the south luzon expressway, I recommited my life to Him

then there was that time on an fx ride to intramuros when i was dealing with unforgiveness. He made me realize that He died not just for me but even for the people who break other people's hearts. And after going down that fx, I immediately called someone up and said three simple words to him, "I forgive you". And that moment was a turning point in my battle

it was also on a bus from laguna to intramuros, when i was at a point when i was messing up left and right when i received the reassurance that no matter how many times i keep bungling work and relationships and my internal struggles, grace is always there for the taking

my point is, you dont have to be in church or at a youth camp or in the middle of worship to have life changing and momentous encounters with God. you can be in a coffeshop, in the bathroom, in the middle of doing something disastrous, on a tricycle and He can still reach you, if you just shut out the white noise and listen intently to that still, small voice

so maybe im gonna take that unplanned bus ride to somwhere ive never been. and if you happen to sit beside me, dont laugh when i suddenly burst into tears. it's just me and my God talking

====================================================

if one day, the two of you do end up together...know that i was one of your earliest matchmakers...

to people who make signages in stores and such:

the correct way to say that "sarado na ang store niyo" is

STORE IS CLOSED

not "store is close"

because yes, i know that i am close to your store because i can actually read the sign, but i dont think that's what you mean right?

i am so tempted to vandalize when i see that...

dont grow up to be an old fart who will look down on other people just because they're young or new or lesser than you (in your own opinion). and remember that please, thank you and a smile will get things done more effectively rather than a snotty attitude and a raised eyebrow

you cannot please everyone, get that into your head. just laugh at people who formed an opinion of you that is so far from who you really are. who knows, they might wake up and be pleasantly surprised someday

tell someone or put it into your will that you want to be buried in that purple coffin you saw at a funeral house earlier this night. or a really cool jar if you decide to be cremated

stop promising yourself you're actually going to the gym today and then making up excuses on why you werent able to go

tread carefully on the path where your heart is seemingly leading you. more often than not, that path ends up in tears and self-recrimination. so think long and hard before you even think about taking the first step

stop dreaming about the things you're gonna buy on the next payday. pay BPI first. they've been knocking on your door the past year. dont wait for the day when they have to drag you out and put you in jail

try to sneak away from the office every once in a while (like what you did with all your previous jobs) and go to some obscure coffee shop and write or read or stare at people and make up stories in your head. and hope that the boss-es don't read this

pour your heart out to him. it's been a while since you've done that and he longs for you to do so. and you should long for him too in a way that will supercede all other longings

try to sleep early when you can. late nights arent good for your mental health and your skin. plus, there's the offchance that you still might gain a little more height. a half inch wouldnt hurt

"I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone"
- Hate Me by Blue October

Whenever my life is getting better and I actually get up with a smile on my face and without that annoying dread in my heart, these thoughts start creeping in and without me realizing it, they're now imbedded in my head

I've never really minded being alone. In fact, I relish the freedom of not having to be accountable in a romantic sense to anyone. I can do whatever I want without thinking about wether he would want to do it too.

But there are days when you want to tell someone about your day without said person pretending to be interested but actually want to listen to you.

And there are times when you're raring for a fight but you know that if you pick a random and senseless fight with your roomate, it would make for an uncomfortable situation and if you had someone "special" to fight with, it would end in tears and a hug.

And there are days when you want to read a book in a coffee shop with someone sitting across you who's reading a book too and then you can put down the book every once in a while and blurt out whatever is on your mind and he can just stare, make a comment, and then go back to reading your respective books

And there are days when your heart is just bursting with emotions that you yourself cannot understand and you need someone who will not try to solve whatever your problem is but just do a reality check, give a hug, or whatever it is that you need at that time (and magically, he will know what it is you need)

And there are days when you want someone to look at you like you're the prettiest girl on the planet even when you look like crap or your pants dont fit you anymore or you constantly trip or fall

So yes, this Monday morning, while I am working on the 22th floor of an expensive high-rise in Makati and gazing at the Makati skyline, I am desperately wishing for things that are better left unwished for

Yes, it's that kind of morning

this is something that kj and i made yesterday while chatting. that was supposed to be a tree, but it somehow ended up being a mutant tree. you can say that we are weird



our graphic artist's ode to me, since i always drink coffee...my only contribution is the scrawl on top...



our very own coke ad


now, if only i can draw as good as that...

i'm not an official thursday thirteen blogger (i dunno how to be one) but i felt like i needed to do this. so....

1. my hair, nose and legs. those are probably the only three things in my body that im not insecure about

2. im not insecure about my height. i may often joke about being offended by people making "short" jokes, but really, i love being vertically challenged. i can pass off being younger than i really am, i can still manage to be cute without being too annoying (or so i think), and i can get make other people do things for me because of my "limitations"

3. i love being with myself. i used to hate this, but now i prefer having breakfast on my own, walking to and from the mrt alone, or just spending a quiet afternoon holed up in a corner somwhere, reading, listening to music or just making up conversations in my head

4. i cry easily. so why do i love this? because it means im still not that cynical and uncaring. i cry at commercials. i cry at Hallmark made for tv movies. i cry at news about a Ghana teenager stuck in immigration, oil spills and Agassi saying goodbye. i cry in buses and jeepneys when i think of something amazing or really sad. i sad when i think about grace.

5. i love my taste in music. okay, sometimes im a snob (no boybands, Britney or one named rap/r&b singers). but most of the time, i love an eclectic mix of alternative, rock, jazz, world, blues, emo, funk, classical. in fact, i like anything except techno and country and r&b. and im an mp3 monger. and i love giving mixed cds  to people. im not one of those who start disliking a song coz a lot of people like it. and i also love one-hit wonders. i plan to be one someday

6. i prefer talking over a cup of coffee rather than going someplace fancy or glamorous. and it doesnt even have to be Starbucks

7. i am not ashamed to admit that i read cheesy romance novels, listen to Madonna, watch one tree hill and watch mean girls over and over again. i dont have an artistic credibility to maintain and protect. i just watch/read/listen to what i like.

8. i dont harbor grudges. i get angry easily but i also get over it just as quickly. pride has never been an issue with me when it comes to saying sorry (well, pride may be a major player in other issues)

9. i love my voice. i know that's a little vain, but i do. my voice isnt perfect. it gets wobbly at the most inopportune times, it gets uncontrollably loud and even i get annoyed with it sometimes, but when it comes to singing my heart out, and especially singing for my God, i don't care. i just sing

10. im anal when it comes to organizing events, projects and even parties and get-togethers (i lost my "mojo" for a while, but im getting it back). i love breaking down things into little details and then piecing them back together to form the big picture. now, my room and my stuff is another matter. just ask my lola or kaligay.

11. im not afraid to admit that im broken and desperately in need of grace. i wouldnt be where i am now if i didnt fall flat on my face and had to grasp on to gthe grip of grace. and i dont mind saying i have a long long long long long ways to go

12. children like me. maybe it's because they think im still one of them. so they tease me, tickle me, play with me and talk to me like im one of their own. and i love it

13. i can laugh at anything. and i mean anything

================================

me and kj's ym doodle artwork



may we find that gold pot thingie soon...

going to the wedding expo seems like a fun idea...until you actually enter it and you're bombarded with all these gowns, cakes, rings, venues, more gowns, more cakes...etc.

and you make the mistake of registering as a guest, when you actually have a perfectly acceptable pretend fiancee with you, and you have to pay 50pesoses and then you dont get any loot bag (a crappy loot bag with only one magazine inside, but still a loot bag)

and then because john is busy taking a photo with kaligay, he accidentally pushes me onto a hallogen light and i get a burn on my leg

and then you bump into your high school crush and he introduces you to his fiancee and then asks, so what are you doing here?

and do i even need to mention the psychological scars that i gained from the 30 minutes inside the picc forum?

it shouldnt be an issue. it's not really an everyday issue. but amidst all the white dresses and cakes and rings, it becomes an issue

the only good thing i got out of it was tasting three fondue fountains

(note to my friends who were with me: dont get me wrong ha, im happy for you! but please, next time, stop me from going inside there!)

okay, three days too late...

1) This is the 1st of September, what do you want to accomplish by the 31st?
pay all my debts

2) What does September make you think about or feel?
that it's almost christmas again

3) September is the ninth month; can you name nine memories so far from this year?
i met steven curtis chapman
i crossed the makati part of the south luzon expressway on foot
i finally got back into the corporate world and im enjoying it so far, to my great surprise
i got my heart semi-broken twice, and the year wasnt even half over
i reconciled with a really good friend
i went to a wedding expo, and i dont even have a boyfriend
i gained another godson
i went to the National Museum and Ayala Museum for the first time
(im reserving this space for one more memory that i can't seem to recall right now)

4) What does September have in common with three other months and can you name them?
september and october end in the same syllable
september and november end in the same syllable
uhm, .... september and december end in the same syllable

5) The first weekend in September signals the end of summer for many even though it doesn't really end for weeks. When does summer end for you?
it ended the first time i wore a jacket outside

since i've been in between jobs for over half a year, i made a list of things that i really wanted to do, no holes barred

DJ at a reputable radio station (and i mean not having to say "naka-love ka pa ba?" and stuff) - okay, my voice isnt really dj material, but i know music inside and out and i can research about it like the best of them. so, maybe i should just be an assistant to a dj or something, preferably a single and goodlooking dj

owner of a cafe/bookstore/recordbar - ever since i first stepped into a starbucks, ive dreamed of having my very own cafe, where the coffee, books and cds arent ridiculously over-priced, the atmosphere is conducive to talking quietly and/or reading on your own and/or listening to your music player while drinking a cup of good, local coffee

owner of a bed and breakfast - darn you lorelai gilmore for making me want my own dragonfly inn!

writer/researcher for a travel magazine - okay, the farthest ive been is cagayan de oro, but being paid to write while travelling for free, man, that would be the ultimate, uhm, err, trip

writer/researcher/interviewer for a music magazine or TV show - that is one step towards getting an interview with Bono or Sting

librarian/archiver at a really big library - being surrounded by all those books has me shivering

buyer for a bookstore or record store - i get to read and/or listen to them before anyone else!!!

entertainment transcriptionist - getting to watch movies and tv shows over and over again doesnt sound boring at all

waitress at a cafe in italy or spain or france - in the movies, it looks so romantic. in real life, maybe not so much. but still...

what about you, what would you really really want to do?

For once I want to be the car crash
Not always just the traffic jam
- "Headlights on Dark Roads", Snow Patrol

i cant remember the last time i worked on a sunday. if the pharisees were alive today, i would be totally condemned. but because of love for former President Ramon Magsaysay (more on that on my next post) and need for money, here i am, staying overnight at the building where nida blanca was murdered, listening to the tribute to apo hiking society album and scanning newspapers from the 1950s

useless trivia: Did you know that newspapers only cost 10 centavos during the 1950s?

every once in a while, you should treat yourself to an expensive, sit-down breakfast. it will help lift up your mood for the rest of the day, trust me. so if you saw this girl eating breakfast alone and smiling to herself at country waffles in annapolis, that was me!

a few minutes ago, i just realized that the only two politicians that i truly admired and respected were the afore-mentioned former president and the late Senator Ninoy Aquino. and a few minutes later, i found this

what would the philippines be like if the two of them lived up to their prime? hay...im depressed again

on the fact that sandara is on the cover of uno magazine, my friend says: "it is an insult to men". i agree wholeheartedly

i wish there was a cure for the wanting-what-you-cant-have syndrome

some snapshots

my "homegirls". hehe


with the "young ones" at church. crap, im that old?


2 years ago, in baguio (trivia: the guy wearing the cap is the cinematographer of sukob)



Dear Lord,

Turn to me and have mercy on me,
       for I am alone and in deep distress.

    My problems go from bad to worse.
       Oh, save me from them all!

    Feel my pain and see my trouble.
       Forgive all my sins.

      See how many enemies I have,
       and how viciously they hate me!

     Protect me! Rescue my life from them!
       Do not let me be disgraced, for I trust in you.

    May integrity and honesty protect me,
       for I put my hope in you.

(Psalm 25:16-21)

Love,

Your daughter who feels a little weepy and distressed and lonely
but who knows who should turn to You for comfort